whatever cut it is.its always gonna be deep

2006-02-05T04:20:00.000-08:00

today was like a super long day mann..woke up at six cos i had to go see ashley off..he was going back to australia!..haha..n another church friend of mine was migrating..
when my brother came back on dec 19, i was like that guy's gonna be here real long but like before i knew it 6 weeks had past and he was going back..i hate time..
anyway after that i went to church..was suppose to chair the meetin but i was so lost i had no idea what to do..i mean i prayed about it.i thought i could do it..everytime jason wld ask me if i needed help i kept sayin no it was okay..but i was so wrong..n when i ask them like should we do this or that dan would be like i thought you prepared already..ugh..i just cant chair..
dammit..and sometimes i feel happy with the church people..but then again most of the time..i feel so left out..like i dont belong..sometimes i feel like i dont belong anywhere..that maybe i was meant to be some dumbass loner..it sucks..this year ive been getting like vibes from people that they dont want me near them..you know..i just feel that way..
am i thinkin too much?

2005-11-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

the worst thing about working is when you have people calling you 'AUNTY'..
like hello..sometimes i feel like goin' up to them and sayin..you blind or something??do i seriously look that old?i'm only 15 for god's sake!!..haha..but obviously i can't do that..

but its also nice when there are people that actually notice the stupid nametag i have to wear..its just..you know..nice to hear your name..pleasant to the ears..hhah..

haha..went for the weekend trip gig..it was pretty alright...left at like nine?..yeah..and i was waiting for francis for the longest time..n like everytime i was somewhere he only came later..like when i sed i was at cine..he went there later and i was already at plaza at tt time..argh..really wanted to see him..kinda miss him..it has been sooo long since ive seen that joker..oh well..

2005-11-15T20:49:00.000-08:00

its always times like these when i feel like going to australia.like now.but fuck it.my parents want me to finish my o levels.i'm such a failure here.in everything.i'm not good at anything.australia better be a place for me to start all over.anew.the only thing i'll miss here are my friends.dang.

thank you for the truth.

There is someone out there for me
I know he is waiting so patiently
can you tell me his name?
This life-long search is gonna drive me insane
I'm staring out at the sky
Praying that he will walk in my life
Where is the man of my dreams
I'll wait forever, however silly it seems
How does he laugh? How does he cry? What's the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize I'm here?
Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?
Where is this beautiful guy? Who's gonna complete my world?

but whatever the case i still believe in a thing called love.

2005-11-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

this is a pretty old song.just heard it today on the radio.and it like reminds me of my life now.so yeah.

I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way
To leave the love behind
I ain't trippin I'm just missing you
You know what I'm saying You know what I mean
You kept me hanging from a string
Why you make me cry?
Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'd be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you'd call me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do
I'm such a fool For you
I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you
It's true I'm stuck on you
Now love's a broken record that's
Been skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we got to play these games we play?

i'm not exactly that stuck on him.but still attracted.what am i do?what can i do?

2005-11-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

when i thought i had
found someone new,
you left me waiting,
with no call to return.
confused is what i feel.
i like you so much.
had my hopes high
after you said those three words to me.
but it all came crashing down,
when you told me,you didnt know why you said that.
i dont think youre a player.
but really, i dont even know you well at all.
so what am i to do.
should i hold on or give up?
theres friends sayin they see us together.
some tell me to forget about you.
because its not going anywhere.
give me some direction please.
tell me how you really feel.
you seem so reluctant about the answers you give.
save me from my heartache.

you know when people say like oh you two happening huh.i realised its only for that period of time.and then the feelings fade..how could i have been so stupid?..nothing was going to come out of it..

2005-11-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

today was st annes confirmation.so yeah.went for it with priss holly chloe avery ken keith n joey.yepp.went for like cheryl andrea lynn eunice averil..lots of ppl huh..all of em looked like angels..haha..after that we like went out of church cos it was soo crowded n we saw rene irwin alethea yeah with their ihm grp..i think theyre called sa suh belas..sth like tt..yeah..so we all went in to see the comfirmands..and yeah..hung ard for a while..then like went to hardrock cafe for lunch..shared some stuff with priss n cheryl..cos i felt super pai seh..yeah..e parents like paid for us..then we walked from forum to far east..oh yeh..there were these blown up scenic pictures..haha..like along the whole stretch of orchard..we all actually appreciated it..i think..haha..

really happy..like i dont have to work on sundays anymore..cos i told boh my dad didnt allow..but its true..n i only need to work four times a wk..haha!..at least i have like 3 days of rest..gd enough..i think..

2005-11-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

somehow i regret going to work.like its taking so much of my time!!and like on sat i had a chance to go out with irwin but because i was friggin doing double shifts,i couldnt..and ave had a halloween party last night but i couldnt go too cos i was workin night shift.like shit!and now i have to memorise the menu!because im taking ordders..its so not easy.i have no time to come online.and the only music i can listen to is pop cos thats the only thing they play there.now im listening to allistar--sonewhere on fullerton..and its soo good..

does he really feel the same as what i feel for him?

2005-10-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

lifes been pretty boring the past days..

cept that i started my first day at pizza hut(compass point)!!haha..its pretty tiring..but fun..the people there are superr nice!!..i have this like da jie her names jocelyn yeah..and theres this really cute n tall malay guy named yazid..really funny guy!!..and kamar whos at the counter..pretty quiet but nicee..haha yeah..

2005-10-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

i have to drop either a math or pure geography mann..which should i keep??

ate some of the royce chocolate he bought for me while watchin son of the mask..the show was super lame..but the chocolates were good..they just melt in ya mouth..yum:}..heh..

didnt expect him to be the first to say love you.it was sweet.he came to my side and asked me if i was okay.i was like yeah.then he gave me a kiss on the cheek and sed love you:))but it was weird too cos dan was sleepin on my shoulder.so like the ex and er..current interest..yeah..(btw it happened tt mornin at the chalet)

2005-10-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

cheryl's chalet was an interesting and scary experience..but thru it..it showed me how close the guys(dan,avery,ken.joey,bong,irwin) were.how much they cared for each other.it really touched me..

i love him.

2005-10-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

THE FIRST PART OF TODAY WAS HORRIBLE.GOT BACK ALL MY RESULTS.AND I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH CHINESE AND E MATH.JUST ENOUGH TO GET ME TO SEC 4.SHIT.

really hope the second half of the day would be better..yeah..

2005-10-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

damn tired now.played like 5 half's of basketball..three integrity won..but i dont have that victorious feeling when we usually win..the game was horrible..it was so rough..

meeting him tmr!haha cant wait.kinda miss him.havent seen him for ...uh..11 days!..haha...not tt long..but ya..forgive me im crazy..haha..but i wont be meetin up with him much alr..yeah..

something special's happening tmr..hahaha..being lame..but really..

2005-10-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

skipped school today.cos we'll just be wastin our time doing mother tongue like the whole day..why the hell do we have to learn chinese?!...i dont understand anything!..
only gettin back my results on friday..

i dont know what to do mann..my feelings are all over the place..really like him..but..argh..

i wish to leave like now..ashley's enjoyin himself in australia..all my worries would go away..no chinese.....i can meet new ppl..n things wont be so messed up..start anew..

2005-10-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

did 3hrs of cwo today..and i have another 25hrs of cleaning classrooms..shit..

i know ive moved on, and things are good between us..but i would do anything for him because i dont ever want to lose him as a friend..

i feel like giving up..im so confused..ive got so many mixed up feelings..it sucks..

2005-10-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh!okay..there's this guy miguel..only like met him at confirmation camp..he was a facil..n mann..he's cute!!..yeah..but he's the kinda guy you know you can only like dream of..n gaze at..and you know you cant do anyth bout it..cos nth's ever gonna happen yeah..but today after a loooong meetin in church,yve simeon aloy dan n i went to mac's for lunch..yeah..n later..miguel and brendan came in..uh huh..brendan asked me sth bout ash n miguel was like oh your ashley's...oh..okay'..haha..yeah..n brendan left n miguel was like sittin alone..so simeon asked him over to our table..n the seat next to was empty..so...he sat next to me!!..yeah,,i know i sound so stupid..but he's really really adorable..he has really nice eyes..yeah..so he spoke to simeon while yve n i just listened in on their convo..n he asked simeon so you guys waitin for the rain to stop..i assumed he was askin simeon only but he asked it again n looked at me..so i just smiled n sed yeah..haha...in other words he did talk to me!..heh heh..so cool.okay..

didnt get to see him today..oh well..will have to wait this weekend..i hope..

but i really dont think anything more's gonna happen..

2005-10-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

i hate it when i forget to turn the heater on when i go to shower..so i end up bathin in freezin cold water..it sucks..

2005-10-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

i just got back from yve's house yeah....at like 10?..yeah 10..i met up with lynn n lynette..we waited for 103w for like half an hour n it didnt come..so we checked that bus board thing n it sed it only came 1140..yeah..so we decided to take e 103 instead..anyway why 103w?well it goes straight to e seletar country club.n that was where we were headin for..so anyway we used the gym there n worked out for bout n hour or more..ohh..n then e toilet was so nicee..haha..really!..there was like 2 osim chair..n mann did i have a gd massage..haha..we had lunch..we were suppose to go town to watch a movie..but lynette the smart girl tt she is, brought 7 bucks ..and she was the one that planned everything..argh..so anyway we went yves house instead..watched taxi..her bed was so comfortable..n e air con was so coolin ..i fell asleep half way thru..haha yeah..

im happy:)been countin down the days..and he's back!..hhaha..he called me ytd after the bbq..it was a good chat..he was so cute..haha..he was like i have something to tell you n im like what..n he's like wait wait..and he played e chorus of letters to you from finch..aww..hhaha..thats all im gonna share..

2005-10-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

party last night was fun!!..haha..had bbq..okay that wasnt really the fun part..hmm..it all started when..e cake was cut..it was full of whipped cream..so you can guess what happened..yeah..everyone was like chasing each other bout e whole house..haha!yve fell on the oil patch in my driveway..gina had like this streak of cream on her hair..yeah..i had lots on my face and hair..

yeah..so gina lynn feng eunice n adora like all shared a present n gave it to me..they wrapped it with like layers n layers of newspapers!on each layer they wrote notes, one of em told me to jump..haha!..yeah..they did the same for sarah's gift..n we had this newspaper ball fight.haha..it ws tiring mann..n yve had to be e best..throwin e paper ball wasnt enough she just had to shove it up my tee-shirt!!..n god..sean was there!..he entertained himself with e xbox n computer..yep..

thanks all for coming!i enjoyed it,hope ya'll did too!love of you too bits!

2005-10-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

okay.first entry.

well im havin a barberque at my house tonight!its kinda a birthday bash!for sarah and i.haha.her birthdays today.happy birthday honey!and mines next friday.so yeah.

gonna be much fun;]

this weeks been good.my exams ended on monday.and today is my last day that i can enjoy.oh well.

went to yves ytd.yep.bladed.haha.she taught me well.damn good teacher.she taught me how to fall.haha.yeah.i fell down like three times.ive got bruises on my knees and elbows.it hurts.haha.cant lie down or sit properly.it hurts even when i sneeze.

i better get ready now.